The Pirates Of The Great Salt Lake

Yes, yes, she's back, more or less. The piratical news has been rather thinly spread of late. Howsome ever, this little item practically sat up and begged to be noticed:

With a scarf knotted around his head, a hoop dangling from his left ear and his eyes black with mascara, Kirby Heyborne stands at the edge of the Great Salt Lake clutching a wooden sword.
It's 90-plus degrees under a merciless sun. Salt from the lake's briny waters covers Heyborne's legs, and thousands of pesky brine flies swarm about his face. He has every right to be miserable.
"I've never had so much fun on a shoot," says the blond, boyish actor best known to Utahns for his comic roles in such LDS-themed movies as "The Singles Ward," "The R.M." and "Sons of Provo." "I go home every day thinking this is the best experience of my life."
Heyborne is making "Pirates of the Great Salt Lake," a low-budget comedy being filmed in 19 days this month with little-known actors and a leaky rowboat. Pirates in landlocked Utah? Aye, go ahead an' laugh, ye scurvy dogs! - Salt Lake Tribune - Pirates of the Great Salt Lake

My word, this sounds very unappealing, and most unfilmable. I should much rather see a movie version of the book wot Nelson wrote, or possibly a novelisation of the blog wot Gus wrote. This project sounds rather like a Young Twits On Parade production of dubious benefit to anyone.

I should doubt whether anyone prepared to swoon at the sight of Messers Depp and Bloom will be plonking down any cash to see a load of gawkishly awkward milk-mustachio'd gits prancing playing "let's dress up like pirates."

Sounds like a great deal of derivative rubbish, and no swear words either.

Actual Pensacolans Unaware of Pirates Still Lurking About

My dears, I present my most abject apologies. As you may have suspected, things have been a titch busy chez Blubridge.

Howsome-ever, I take virtual ostrich-quill pen in paw to advise that just this moment I spoke with real live Pensacolans, but alas! They were completely unaware of the existence of the first modern, major, general pirate novel set in their fair city, burg, village, and/or municipality.

They seemed like very nice, personable persons but I found the local accent rather impenetrable. Still, they meant well and seemed kindly enough, so I warned them of the presence of modern pirates still lurking about, and that they might find instruction, enlightenment, and amusement in that book wot Gus wrote. I do this in the spirit of community, fellowship, and the wish to crack on endlessly about piratical doings.

In other news of lurking pirates, I recently made note of the recent foray by Nelson into the realm of cookery. Unfortunately, due to the presence of heavy cream in the scallop dish, Mr. B. won't be able to enjoy it (or at least, not for long before having to visit the little buccaneers' room). And then I bethought me of that Western band of scurvy rogues, the Renaissance Privateer Dragons... and that their chieftain, Laktos the Intolerant, mought have a similar problem with the receipt also.

I wonder if simply omitting the cream would work? The remaining ingredients would make it a tomato-pesto sauce of a sort. Hmm.

Privateer Dragons of the Caribbean-Renaissance Faire Pirates

Good heavens!!! These are Nelson's long-lost relations! I do hope he makes contact with them. They have a page full of suggested titles for further reading about Pirates. Yes, even pirates read books, apparently. Who would have thought it?

They appear to be a sort of performance group that goes to Renaissance Faires.

I have emailed Nelson with a tiny suggestion. I do hope he doesn't take it amiss.

More Piratical Merchandise

It seems that pirates are not only fashionable and "hippy," they are lurking ev'rywhere. Now it seems that people who quite like pirates may buy pirate dollies to play with.

Be that as it may, here is quite a fearsome pirate dollie indeed - Edward Teach, "Blackbeard." And of course, he was a true son of jolly Bristol.

Always had a soft spot in my head for pirates, I have. For one thing, they are excellent customers so long as they have recently plundered a rich prize, for then paying the bar tab is no problem (and indeed, tips become the stuff of legend, owing to a tendency to largesse that is apparently in direct proportion to the acreage of barmaid's bosom on show).

Now, if this dollie shop ever does a series of the Muppets' Treasure Island movie, I shall be ever so chuffed, as an ancestress of mine has a cameo in that fine flick.

No, not Miss Piggy, silly gubbinses, another lady of the female pubkeeping persuasion.

Mistress Anne Bonny

Apparently the British Lib'ry is holding her captive. Must think on this.

Pirates & Fonts

Bother. It's ever so frustrating to find a nice piratical hand. Pardon! I meant a nice scripty sort of typeface that evokes piracy without actually committing it.

My New, Even More Brilliant Career

My dears, I have taken the plunge. I have decided to offer on sale a few items that may be of interest to the imbibing piratical community that favors this establishment with their custom.

Strictly as a lark, mind you. If there is sufficient demand (indeed, if there is ANY at all) I may add more items of interest to all and sundry.

As the community is a rather diverse one, I shall endeavour to provide a wide range of sizings should I decide to offer apparel. On review of the available products, I see that I shall be able to offer a "dog shirt," which is apparently popular in the former Colonies. Mr Carlisle and Sea Rover will no doubt be happy about that. Regrettably, there appear to be NO "bird shirts" or "cat shirts" or "whale shirts." Again, it appears to be some sort of sizeist prejudice on the part of the cafe pressers. There aren't even any "figment shirts" but we've always gotten around that particular obstacle by believing in them anyway, haven't we?

Still, for those of us somewhere in the middle there seems to be a reasonable selection.

I do hope you'll drop by and give my little swaggery a butcher's. I was thinking of some rather droll bons mot to put on other items of clothing and such. Mr B is quite enthusiastic about photographing your humble publicanatrice but I did have to put my foot down about the costume; I should think a single red rose is definitely what NOT to wear.

A Skiffy Movie Preview: Serenity May 5th

My dim but enthusiastic American friend advises me that one of those science-fictiony movies is coming out soon, and there's to be a double-secret sneaky preview on May the 10th in one of 10 American cities. The movie is called "Serenity" and of course it's about those nice people ("shiny," she called them) from a telly show called "Firefly" that was cancelled rather too soon a brace of years ago.

She made me watch it when I was visiting. I must say it was a compelling, even a ripping space yarn. I did quite like that nice but rather scary Captain Tightpants fellow... actually, I quite liked everything about it. She also tells me that the sneaky preview will be held in one of ten cities:

• Seattle


• Austin


• Sacramento


• Boston


• Altanta


• Chicago


• San Francisco


• Las Vegas


• Denver


• Portland (the tree one in the Far West)

The double-secret part is that one must be a member of a secret fanny organization (I beg your pardon) in order to get tickets and the locations and times for the sneaky previews. Interested persons may join via the link thingy.

Piracy Trend Still At High Tide

Apparently the Skiffy lot (the gentlemen responsible for much of the science fiction on 'Merrikan telly) will be flogging a pirate game next summer.

That is, they shall be marketing a game about pirates. No pirates were flogged in the making of this game (so far as is known, but anything's possible).

Happy Birthday, Mr Da V.

Now it can be told... it seems that this Da Vinci cove was somewhat smitten after our recent correspondence, though it's not a very good likeness. Still. I'll take it as drawn.

Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search

How thrilling! I got a n'instantaneous response to my personal advert:

Leonardo da Vinci responds...
"I really need to finish these sketches for my latest invention, and then start work on the mechanical lion statue that has been commissioned by the King, but your beauty and intelligence captivate me. Let us meet, and soon!"

I wonder if dear Leibniz is registered? He is spoken for, of course. But he is dead and moderately famous, so he fulfills the two main requirements.

Hmm. I expect Mr. B. might like the "ideal date" idea: disrobe and lie on a couch in the artist's studio and be immortalized in sculpture. That might be good for a few amusing snaps.

Whale Ho! in...New Joisey?

Dear animated scamp Bugs Bunny said it best: "I knoo I shudda taken that left toin at Albuquoiquee."

It's a fascinating language, American. So exotic, colorful, and bumptuous.

Gus Tops Gaiman

This is worth a chuckle - it seems that at least on this one list, dear literary Gus's whale-killing journal is ahead of some obscure science-fictioner writer's blog. Fellow name of Neil Gaiman. P'raps you've heard of him? Wrote a few books, comics, and the odd short story or two.

(actually, Mr. Gaiman's work is excellent and well, well worth the read).

W00t!

Now one wonders if dear Keith (and his ninja-powered inhaler) will go on n'any book tours to the provinces (of course, in place of Captain Gus, who is likely busy with things now that he's home and all).

Oooo-er! Pirate Fonts

Note to self: this font comes compleat with bottle of grog and Jolly Roger.

Arrgh Ya Free Saturday Night?

This looks like a lovely fashion item for the piratically inclined... except... that gentleman in the corner has a winkie! And the lady (roll the mouse thingy over the "mens" icon) has bosoms! Who knew that mens and womens were so explicit on the Interweb?

Well, that certainly cuts to the quickie. P'on my word, it does. I do think that nearly-dear Nelson might have had a hand in it.

(DRAT! After all this time, too. Pardon.)

Miz B's In Love

I fear I have fallen irrevokably in love. Mr. B will be ever so vexed. This is that rascally rogue Nelson's pet, who now has his own blog.

Yes, really. If you believe in daring sea captains blogging from durance extremely vile in Venezuelan jails smelling of insufficiently continent elephants, or modern day pirates living in extremely exotic tropical lairs, then you will also believe in a blogging dog.

After all, he's certainly not the first dogblogger, nor catblogger neither. But he is ever so engaging. Here he is after an adventure chasing catfish; he now knows the difference between the fishy sort of cat and the sort of cat that likes fishy.

Nelson, dear rogue, continues to regale us with yaaaarns about the Sugar Islands, which are definitely not The Grenadines though both island archipelagoes' economies are probably based on a certain syrupy sweet commodity.

It appears that Sea Rover favors a particular sort of cheese crisp; he even has a house brand according to the imagery shown on his fetching (Fetch! Fetch, Sea Rover!) blog.

As a continuing publican service, I shall display a copy of dear Gus' picaresque novel. I do wish to point out that this feature may occasionally be repeated, but it will most certainly not make it a re-publican service, as I have always voted the straight Labor ticket (though I've been having rather dark moods about that wet thicky Blair git for some years now).

OH! that reminds me. Speaking of Loooove, some more guests began appearing from all over the globe some weeks back. Almost all of them have been very nice people.

Just this morning, two very raffish chaps turned up just in their bathing costumes and the most gob-smackingly naff winter headgear I've ever laid me lamps on. Regardez:

Incredible as it may seem, the answer to your unspoken question is "Yes, they dressed themselves. Deliberately." It appears that the older brother bludgeoned a small mammal to death in order to fashion his chapeau. Was it perhaps...a marmot?


Coincidence? I think not.

But they are absolutely charming boys nevertheless. They seemed eager to renew their acquaintance with the blonde twinset - there are two pairs of attractive females currently in residence, and damme if I can tell all of them apart. They're all so much of a girlish muchness. Still and all, I think the one with the rather too-noticeable tailbone tattoo is... oh, bother. They all have names like "Courtney" and "Brittany" and "Buttercup" and "Kungalucia" in the States nowadays.

In any case, 'tis Spring and it appears Love (or its nearest modern equivalent) may possibly be In Bloom. And if so we shall have ever such a tactfully low-key tizzy over the rooming assignments in my nicer en suite accomodations, as the recently arrived darkly handsome Brothers may wish to enter into relations, diplomatic and otherwise, with the artificially blonde Not-Sisters.

Help Wanted: Vikings!

For any of Gus' former shipmates who are looking to make a career shift into a less dangerous line of work, the Midgard Historical Center is hiring Vikings.

In what is described as a "rare employment opportunity for Vikings," the center is hoping to hire some non-pillaging, non-looting, more friendly-like Vikings to interact with tourists, educate them in Viking ways, and most assuredly not inconvenience them in any way.

NOTE: it is a myth that Viking helmets had horns on. Thus, Vikings were not as horny as depicted in English monastic chronicles of the Middle Ages.

Piratical Icons

If anyone should be in need of pirate-themed art for iconography and so forth, that nice accordion-playing Canadian-Filipino Joey lad has made some.

Adorable Pirate Doggy!

Dear rapidly-redeeming-himself-in-the-eyes-of-all-shipmates Nelson! He has posted the first ever pirate home video. It reveals the interior of his current lair and shows a recent training session with his new doggy, Sea Rover.

Snuggs! It's time to do a little gardening! We shall have to make sure the Pet Enclosure and Exercise Garden is ready for this season's guests!

I do apologize for being so remiss; this Blogger interweb thingy has been a bit wonky of late and it completely gobbled up an extremely diverting tale of a few days ago, which left me completely vexed and flummoxed.

It was something or other about Nelson's recent forays into the world of literature and his BLARG and so forth.

Speaking of the world of literature, I have been getting ever so many chuckles out of dear captain Gus' novel wot he wrote with the assistance of his clever but rather weedy stooge, Keith.

I became quite excited that he had put rats in, but alas! they were no relation to sweet li'l num-nums Bob.

Still, it's the thought that counts. And so far there have been several incidents that bear a slight relationship to Gus' actual real-life adventures, but of course in order to avoid legal problems with the Venezuelan federalies, he has had to change much in order to conceal his identity.

But he has followed the cardinal rule: write what you know. Clever of him.

I have not yet finished perusing the oeuvre, so please do not mention any spoilers or I shall have to cut you off quite, QUITE ruthlessly. However, I've read enough to go on with the book club meeting. Is anybody still lurking about?

And surely it's time we start planning a little tequila mayhem between the dears Gus and Ken and Senor Rojo Caballero Wotzisname?

And I do assume the wedding is still on? Otherwise we shall have rather diffy conversation with the caterer's concerning the shower nosh.