The Naval Intelligence Game

Music Cue: Spanish Flea


Hi, I'm Smarmy Host, and welcome to "The Naval Intelligence Game!" Our newest antagonist hails from Cleveland, Ohio. He's 51 years old and is in command of the swiftest ship in the U.S. Navy, HSV Millard Fillmore. He'd love to tell you about his favorite secrets, but then he'd have to kill you. Giving a whole to meaning to the phrase "naval intelligence," please give it up for Captain James. J. Knucz.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you for joining us, Captain Knucz. For the record, did I say your name right? As in "Canucks?"

No, actually it's pronounced exactly like "canoes," Smarm.

Oh, sorry, welcome Captain -

It rhymes with "snooze."



Right, sorry, I'll start again - welcome, Captain Knucz. So tell us about this sexy new boat you command -

Ship. It's a ship. A boat can be on a ship, but if a ship's on a boat, call the Coast Guard. And if it's on Knucz, I'm up shit creek without a paddle. Call my doctor. Thank you.

Oh, that's Naval humor is it? Okay then, it's too big to be a boat, so it's a ship. Now in today's game-

See, it's funny because I'm a Navy man, and for me to call the Coast Guard... we just don't do that. That's like the Marines calling the Boy Scouts to ask for help invading Grenada.

Yes, I got that. Right - in today's game we'll ask you some questions about Naval Int-

Also, a boat would get crushed to smithereens by a ship, and that's always funny. When I do it, anyway. But the Board of Inquiry thought otherwise. And canoes - well, I get that all the time.

Ha! Very funny! And now on to today's game at last. You command something called an HSV. What's that? Can you tell us in just a few words?

Smarm, it's a High Speed Vessel. That means it's a very fast ship.

Right. And you use it to, what, fight terrorists? Chase pirates? Yo ho and all that?

We chase suspected drug dealers and perform interdictions, where basically we pull up and point our big guns at them and tell them "We don't want your filthy drugs! Go peddle them on the Internets or something, you dirty rotten stinkers!" Also, we've been liasing with an environmental group while we get the HSV program up to speed. That's more Naval humor, Smarm. Speed.

Wow! That's exciting! Tell me more about those mighty big guns, Captain.

Smarmy, we're packin' heat. We've got a MK 96 w 25mm/40mm stabilized gun; that means it's got stabilizers and things to keep it, uh, stable. When we fire it. Also we've got a MK 45 Snake Eyes machine gun, with an optional MK 19 grenade launcher attachment. It'll stop something the size of a bull elephant, or maybe 5 bull elephants, right in its tracks. If it had feet, and wasn't in the water, I guess. Over to you, Smarmy, I got nothing more about guns.

And how fast can this High Speed Vessel go, Captain?

Smarmy, our top speed is 45 knots. That's 53+ miles per hour, or 85+ kilometers per hour. Our normal operating speed is 30 knots, which is about 34+ miles per hours, or 55+ kilometers per hour.

And how much did this bad boy cost, Captain?

Only about $21 mil, Smarm. The Navy usually gets a bag of hammers and a bosun's whistle for that.

Huh. We'll come back to that later. Captain Knucz, can you tell us anything about your first big mission with the Millard Fillmore? Without stepping on my "I'd have to kill you" joke, that is.

Sure, Smarmy, it's kind of a public relations deal with this anti-whaling outfit called "Bluepeace." They're after some old wharf rat that pissed them off... sorry, can I say that on network? Ticked them off about killing some whales or something, but really we're in it so we can go in and clean out a notorious arms dealer who's active in the area. Don't tell them that part, though, or their lawyers will be on my can because of the non-disclosure... Oh, and, uh, we're performing joint maneuvers with the Tortolan Navy, and providing photographers and an old fashioned fusilade salute for some wing-ding VIP social event they're putting on. We also suspect them of being on the take for all the aforesaid arms dealing and drug running. You could say there's a lot on our plate. But really it's supposed to look like good old red-blooded American sabre-rattling...and public relations and getting the bad guys, of course. Bastards. Can I say that?

Ha! Ha! You salty old sea dog! Captain, this arms dealer - are you taking the men (and possibly women) of the Navy into harm's way? He's probably packing a little of the hot stuff himself, don't you think?

Nothing we can't handle, Smarmy. He's got a bunch of crazy weapons for an extremely specialized niche market - mostly sneaky assassination tools and stealth torpedoes modified to look like biologicals - that's sea life to you, Smarmy. And we suspect he really finances it all with drug-running, because he's got a fleet of Cigarette boats that he and his guys tool around the Caribbean in. They're going to be pretty easy to spot - they're loud and have really garish paint jobs. It'll be a pleasure blowing them out of the water, believe me. We're based in Florida, and those "thunder boats" guys are all alike. 6 o'clock in the morning, tuning up their damn boats sometimes.

Pardon me for saying this, Captain, but aren't Cigarette boats just a little faster than your... High Speed Vessel? I've got a snappy little number they call American Muscle - I'm Smarmy Host, you know, so I have to have a nice ride when I'm down in Boca on hiatus.



Oh, uh, sorry Smarmy, didn't mean to lump you in with a bunch of dirty rotten stinking drug runners with bad hair and garish paint jobs. On their boats, I mean. Sorry. No offense.

None taken, but I think you should know that my little boat goes about twice as fast as the "Millard Fillmore" at about a twentieth of the cost... and the arms dealer guy has probably modified his to be even sweeter on the water than mine is. And believe me, she's a sweet, sweet baby. She can outrun you and outmaneuver you. And that's just with stock engines, not the custom jobs your arms dealer guy's got.

Oh, really? I did not know that.

And that's another episode of "The Naval Intelligence Game!" With us today was U.S. Navy Captain James J. Knucz - ladies, that rhymes with "snooze!" Maybe next week we'll actually get around to playing our game, so until then here's a big "MMMMM-WA!" smooch to everyone out there in television land!